can't sleep.

3:48 AM and can't sleep... various reasons why which I won't really go into here, but suffice it to say that I've got a lot on my mind. Actually, perhaps I will go into it here. Might help some.

Well, I technically did get about 4 hours of sleep tonight, so it's not really insomnia, but just a night of a full head of crap.

Trying to decide what violin to get, and bow, etc. Olivia really liked the same violin that I like, so I'll probably end up getting that one, but I'm not really wild about any of the bows. So, I'll be searching for bows for a while to come I'm thinking.

I'm a bit.... no. scratch that. I'm really pissed off that I settled for playing viola this summer. Really, it'll be a good head start for next year, but I wish I had applied to the box office. It's more money and I think I'd be happier than I will be in the pit watching people who I could've killed at an audition playing violin while I'm stuck on viola. And the money's not that good, either.

Actually, if it wasn't for Stef, I'd probably be home right now. And I'm almost regretting staying here, if it weren't for her and for the experience to put on my resume.

And, maybe it'll be different once orchestra people start getting here (Maryory, Cynthia, Chris, Ben, etc), but I hear the same things OVER and OVER from the people I'm hanging out with. "Oh, you remember last summer?" "Hey last summer when..." "Hey last summer was great." Really, it's just like being at home except I don't know what anybody's talking about. Not that I think they shouldn't talk about the fun they had last summer. It's a great way to get back in the swing of talking to all your old friends. It's just kind of interesting, and it reminds me of the whole "senior week stigma" that I suffered last summer (me being one of the few who didn't go on a week-long drinking binge in Ocean City.... not that there's anything wrong with that, and I probably would have if I didn't love the Outer Banks). "Hey you remember at Senior Week when...." "Oh man Senior Week was so great" "Hey remember when we were all really wasted at Senior Week and..." But, at least the people here aren't saying "Man you should have totally been here last summer. It was so much fun and awesome and nothing will ever be more fun than that in my entire life." (replace "last summer" with "at senior week" and you've got my last summer pretty well described). So, I guess this probably is better than listening to senior week stories all summer (which I would have anticipated this summer too).

And probably the biggest thing on my mind. I feel totally useless. Jan hasn't emailed a thing to us about the Festival Schedule, so I don't know if/when I'll be free for about two weeks in June. Problem with that is that I can't get a job and be like "oh yeah, for the next two weeks I can't work." So I'm sitting at home, going with Stef to do posters when she has to, but mostly feeling like a useless piece of crap, not making ANY money whatsoever (as I don't have students or a quartet to do gigs). So basically shit. That's about all. Shit.

Maybe I'll just go take a damn NyQuil and fall asleep.