Secret Window

So the other day I saw Secret Window, and let me start off by saying "Big piece of crap."

ahem.

Big piece of crap! This movie was just wretched. Music was by Phillip Glass, and was pretty much the only redeeming part of the movie. I mean, it started off with this bitchin' cello section soli. It was badass. So I figured, "Hey, maybe I'm NOT wasting $7.50 and two hours of my day by seeing this movie." Oh, how horribly, horribly wrong I was. I'll split this up into two sections, "The Good" and "The Bad," with lists below each category (this is going to be a standard for when I decide to review things around these parts).

The Good.
1. The introductory music was great.
2. Johnny Depp looked like a nerd with big plastic glasses, and redeemed himself when he smoked (he looked badass).
3. The line "smoke the shit out of them" was used in reference to a pack of cigarettes.
4. He (meaning Johnny Depp, which just about ruins the movie for you) totally killed people with a shovel, which is just hardcore.
5. It ended. Finally.

The Bad!
1. Instead of getting a creepy old Southern guy, they decided to cast a stupid old Southerner. Who didn't creep me out. At all.
2. Character development of his wife and the guy she's screwing? umm... nothing?
3. Scary? wait a minute, this is based on a Stephen King novella, so you'd think it would be kind of, well, scary. That's a negatory. Nothing that made me jump. At all.
4. Entirely too obviously based on a book (ie. poor transitions, characterization, etc etc etc etc).

All in all, I'd give it (on my arbitrary rating scale of shit-great) I'd give it a 7, which really doesn't mean a damn thing to you guys. So I'll clarify. While it was a piece of shit, I would recommend it to a moderate enemy in hopes that they would try gouging out their own eyes, even though they probably wouldn't.